Jokes

[hooperski]

The Guinness Book of World Records has confirmed a new claimant for the the title of the world's smallest man.
He is from Japan, measures in at just 19" ........................................................ and is called Nee Hi.

[hooperski]

Don Poor-Leone, "Hey, can you lend me $464 million?"

TrumpKidCuttingGrass.jpg (39.54 KiB) Viewed 300 times

[hooperski]

Teacher asks a pupil, "What's your name, boy?"
Boy answers, "D-D-D-Da-Da-Da-Dav-Dav-David".
The teacher asks, "Do you have a bad stutter, boy?"
The boy replies, "I don't, but my Father does. And the Registrar who filled out my Birth Certificate was a dick".

[Slammer]

HR during the interview:
„How do you explain this four year gap on your resume?“
„That’s when I went to Yale!“
HR: „That’s very impressive. You´re hired“
„Thanks man, I really need this Yob“

[MadAxeMurderer]

A private investigator is contacted with a job offer, and asked to come to the penthouse suite of a skyscraper.

During the long elevator ride up, he can't help but wonder what the job is, and whether it's worth taking. When he finally arrives in the suite, he finds a well-dressed gentleman sitting at a desk, who explains: "There's this guy, see, and he never blinks. I want you to investigate him, find out who he is."

The detective, offended, replies "You brought me all the way here for some guy who doesn't blink? I'm not accepting the job, I'm leaving!"

The gentleman presses a button beneath his desk, smirks and says, "Ah, you can't leave. I've locked down the elevator, so you're not getting out unless you agree to investigate."

Defeated, the detective agrees: "Well, the elevator's locked down. I guess I have no choice but to take the stare case.”

[Slammer]

A private investigator is contacted with a job offer, and asked to come to the penthouse suite of a skyscraper.

During the long elevator ride up, he can't help but wonder what the job is, and whether it's worth taking. When he finally arrives in the suite, he finds a well-dressed gentleman sitting at a desk, who explains: "There's this guy, see, and he never blinks. I want you to investigate him, find out who he is."

The detective, offended, replies "You brought me all the way here for some guy who doesn't blink? I'm not accepting the job, I'm leaving!"

The gentleman presses a button beneath his desk, smirks and says, "Ah, you can't leave. I've locked down the elevator, so you're not getting out unless you agree to investigate."

Defeated, the detective agrees: "Well, the elevator's locked down. I guess I have no choice but to take the stare case.”

That took just a bit too long...

[hooperski]

I was blessed with a large penis ................................................................................. that Priest got moved to another Diocese.

[clickety6]

I gave my work colleague a Get Better Soon card.

He's not sick. He's just a useless bastard...

[MadAxeMurderer]

I set up a new company selling land mines as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof!

[MadAxeMurderer]

[MadAxeMurderer]

Unfortunately you need someone decent in Hebrew* to explain but it's a very clever joke. google translate doesn't help.



A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.
He is to kneel in front of the King and recite a sentence in Latin when His Majesty taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."

Puzzled, His Majesty turns to his advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

[JanxSpirit]

So in America the Supreme Court is stopping women aborting fetuses - they don't feel, they haven't got hearts, they're brainless... yet somehow the Supreme Court is in charge...

[MadAxeMurderer]

[MadAxeMurderer]

My wife got carjacked last week. I asked her if she saw the guy.
She said she got the license plate number!