Page 1 of 2

Jokes

Posted: Mon Mar 11, 2024 12:55 am
by hooperski
Today I saw a pigeon open it's beak, but it didn't make a sound ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... think it was a failed coo.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Mar 11, 2024 1:07 am
by hooperski
My Uber driver tonight was a refugee from Ukraine ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... his name was Pikup Andropov.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Mar 11, 2024 7:14 pm
by Slammer
An alien space ship lands on the White House lawn. We are thrilled to find the alien is very human-like and very friendly. He asks if our president can set up a meeting of the leaders of all nations of the world, which he certainly can do. So in a week there’s a huge meeting with the leaders of 200 nations. Each leader has a few minute to ask whatever questions he’d like.


So eventually it gets to the Pope, leader of the independent Vatican. The Pope asks the alien if he’s familiar with Jesus Christ, the savior of the universe. “Sure I know him!” the alien says. “He visited us only about two farges ago—that’s about six months in your time. Great guy, Jesus!”


The Pope says “He visited you six months ago?”


“Yes!” the alien says. “He visits us every two or three years. We’re always very happy to see him!”


The Pope says “He came here two thousand years ago—that’s four thousand farges! And we’re still waiting for him to come back! Why does he visit you so often?”


The alien says “Well we make this great chocolate on our planet. Dark chocolate. Jesus loves chocolate! We always send him away with ten pounds of chocolate. And we have a big party when he leaves.”


“Chocolate?” the Pope says.


“Sure. He loves the stuff. When he visited here last, how did you send him off?”

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Mar 11, 2024 10:30 pm
by hooperski
I work part-time in a local hardware store in the electrical department.
A customer asked me, "Have you got any transistors?"
I replied, "No, but I've got a nephew we're not too sure about".

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:09 pm
by hooperski
I met a woman in the pub last night who self-identifies as a dustbin ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... I'm taking her out Friday.

Top Tips.

Posted: Wed Mar 13, 2024 2:03 pm
by hooperski
Men; If your wife says she's going to buy something to get rid of her wrinkles, don't ask, "More cakes?" ... ... ... ... ... ... I know that now.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Wed Mar 13, 2024 5:13 pm
by hooperski
A man in British Columbia woke up one morning to find a Grizzly bear up on his roof, so he called a bear expert.
The bear expert turns up, parks his van and takes out a long pole, a large snarling Pitbull and a shotgun.
He passes the Pitbull and the loaded shotgun to the man.
The house owner then asks the bear expert what his plan of action is, he replies;
"The long pole is for me to poke the bear, so that it falls off of the roof".
"When it falls to the ground, the Pitbull is trained to bite the bear's testicles hard, and not to let go".
The man asks, "So what is the shotgun for?"
The bear experts replies, "If the bear knocks me off of the roof ... ... ... ... ... you shoot the dog".

Re: Jokes

Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2024 3:11 pm
by hooperski
TOP TIP. If a cop says to you, "Turn around", never reply ... ... ... "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, and you're never coming round".

Re: Jokes

Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2024 5:14 pm
by hooperski
I left some fruit, vegetables and some eggs outside of my garden gate by the road with an honesty box.
Later when I checked, there was a note inside they box that said I was too old to be wearing skinny jeans.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sat Mar 16, 2024 2:57 pm
by hooperski
A mate of mine who lives in London, taught his dog to play the trumpet while travelling on the Underground;
He managed to go from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sat Mar 16, 2024 4:34 pm
by Slammer
I´ll drop this here.
1710587476630.png
1710587476630.png (389.13 KiB) Viewed 2053 times

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Mar 17, 2024 3:26 pm
by hooperski
An explorer is travelling deep in the jungle, when he comes across and undiscovered warrior tribe.
They capture him, and tell him they are going to kill him, and then offer his body to their God.
He pleads for mercy, so the Chief says that if he can pass the test to be a warrior, he will be spared.
The test is, that he has to go into three huts in order and complete the tasks.
In the first hut he must drink one gallon of their Fire Water. (alcohol made from honey)
In the second hut, he must remove a painful tooth from a massive Silverback Gorilla.
In the third hut, he must bed and satisfy the lusty female inside, so he starts the challenge;
He goes into the first hut, and after an hour, comes out of the hut completely drunk.
He goes into the second hut, and there is utter pandemonium, with screaming shouting.
After an hour he emerges, bruised, bleeding, missing three teeth and an ear.
He staggers up to the Chief and asks, "Where's this woman with a toothache then?"

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Mar 17, 2024 10:47 pm
by hooperski
A lowly goatherder was fed up with his life, so prayed to Allah to improve his lot.
He said, "I want to be white, have plenty of water and want to see lots of pussy".
The sky darkened, then there was a thunderbolt from the skies ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... and he was turned into a toilet.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Mar 18, 2024 12:36 pm
by JanxSpirit
How did the burger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2024 4:23 pm
by Fraufruit
What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?




The position of the dirtbag.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:05 pm
by JanxSpirit
Reminds me of an old Tim Vine one-liner:
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust.” ;)

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2024 6:41 pm
by hooperski
Men are the same as bricks ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... they just want to get laid.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2024 7:51 pm
by hooperski
I watched the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night, not all of it ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... just the highlights.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2024 1:37 pm
by hooperski
Due to the recent speculation about the Princess of Wales, in future she will be known as ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Schrodinger's Cate.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2024 9:06 pm
by hooperski
When I went on holiday to Cornwall last year, I went on a donkey ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... took me eight days to get there.