What to do when a parent is in critical condition in hospital…

[pappnase]

Hi Emkay,
First let me say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. Then on to the practical stuff, which sadly is going to have to consider the possibility that your mum won't recover at all.

Regarding access to the house:-
If you have keys you have control, change the locks to make sure you are the only one with that control. Unless your mum has written anything down, no-one will be able to challenge that until she wakes up and the Doctors consider her competent.
Make the place clean and safe, then stop worrying about it for now. Deal with it later when you are in a better state of mind, or the legal situation is clearer.

Since you also have full control of the bank account, make sure you download regular bank-statements and can account for any money that goes in or out, then if at some point in the future you are accused of some impropriety you have a record of what went on.

Once your mum is out of hospital, then either she will be OK and you can hand things back to her in good order, or she won't and you can deal with wills and estates which although emotionally much more demanding, are somewhat clearer from a legal perspective.

[Robinson100]

Em, please stop panicking!
Everything is okay!
You now have the key that your Mother wanted you to have - no big deal, right?

Glad to hear that the house is nice and tidy, and well done for emptying out the fridge.

I think this really is a time when you need to "be kind" to yourself - if you want to eat ice cream instead of a cooked meal, then do so!
A bar of chocolate? yeah, why not?
Whatever makes YOU feel good goes! (unless it´s illegal, of course )

Sometimes I wish there were a guidebook for stuff like this - what you should feel and when, what you should do and when, that sort of stuff
- wouldn´t it make life a lot easier?!!!

Okay, so there isn´t, so just get on and do what you consider to be the right thing, and unless your Mother wakes up and complains about it, you will have done a perfect job!

[Emkay]

Many thanks for your replies. I have started to stop panicking thankfully. I phoned a lawyer yesterday to clear up the situation of me entering her house to make sure all is fine.

In principle, I don’t have a right to enter her house unless I have a power of attorney (vollmacht) to do so. The only person/persons it could bother though would be any other stated in her will. His example was that Frau X could accuse me of removing 10kg of gold, cash etc. There’s no way of finding out if there is another person/persons unless my mother passes. He said that when he has to enter a property after a person dies, he videos this and takes another person with him as a witness. In this case, this would be pointless.

He suggested I apply to be legal guardian at the local Amtsgericht. This can take a few weeks. In the meantime, I should just go ahead and check the house regularly. I shouldn’t really change the locks until I have formal guardianship. The fact that I already have POA for my mother’s bank accounts speaks volumes. She did this long before her husband’s death as she didn’t trust him.

I only just remembered that my mother gave me documents for safe keeping before I moved to DE. I just found them. A copy of the bank POA and a will type document. I say type of document as it seems to basically confirm her husband relinquishing any Pflichtteil of her estate. I am noted as her only beneficiary. I’ve no idea if she’s changed her will since.

In terms of sensible things to do, I’ll unplug everything other than the freezer. The electrics and the heating are very old….I won’t change anything with the heating yet as frost has started here. Reluctant to use light timer switches. I also thought to put my contact details in obvious places. Inside appliances too in case of, God forbid, fire.

Today, I’ll start being kinder to myself….autumn gardening and forest walk. Huge thanks for all your moral support.

[Fraufruit]

You seem to have all the bases covered and you're doing a great job.

Make sure you know what being her guardian entails before signing anything.

Any idea why it is taking so long for her to get an MRI?

[Emkay]

You seem to have all the bases covered and you're doing a great job.

Make sure you know what being her guardian entails before signing anything.

Any idea why it is taking so long for her to get an MRI?

Thank you Fraufruit. I won’t sign anything until I understand more about it. I think the delay has to do with leaving time for my mother to wake up herself now she’s not on the coma inducing medication. It’s taking much longer than they anticipated. CT’s can’t have shown evidence of a stroke so the next step is MRI to check for anything else.

[Emkay]

We spoke to a doctor yesterday and were told that a gesetzlicher Betreuer has been engaged due to my mother‘s worsening condition. Now dialysis is necessary. It was difficult to understand the doctor over the phone though I think she said that a decision between life and death needs to be made. We have a meeting with a doctor today as they would like to know if I’m aware of any of my mother’s wishes. All I know is that she’d like to die at home and never have to go to a care home. A very sad day ahead…

[pappnase]

Be brave, stay strong. This is going to be hard.
If you do find yourself at a bedside making that so-hard end of life decision, then something I read recently struck a chord with me and you might find helpful.

It is a privilege to be present when someone dies. If only I’d seen it that way, it would have helped me no end

[Emkay]

Thank you pappnase….nice perspective.

[Emkay]

We had a long meeting with a head doctor although he hadn’t treated my mother. He said the situation isn't yet life or death as another doctor had said the day before. New serious health issues are arising though. The Betreuungsamt phoned me today and we agreed that given that my mother has already given me power of attorney (Vollmacht) for her bank and that I’m stated in a will as her only beneficiary, I will continue to care for her house and finance matters. I’ve no idea if she has since changed her will. Her bank confirmed though that I definitely have Vollmacht and no one else has. I should be authorised this week as Betreuer for house and finance administration. All locks will then be changed.

A Betreuer will however, as requested by me, deal with medical decisions. As there is no Patientenverfügung that I am aware of, as next of kin, I am able to express my opinions too. A Betreuer will be able to understand the medical issues better than I can. I really don’t want to be responsible for the ultimate decision to end life support…..if it really does come to that.

Meanwhile, we’ve secured my mother‘s house as best as possible. The police advised a TV simulator and various LED lights on timers. I bought new quality items as I’m not so sure of the old electrics. It seems that my mother is paying Vodafone for internet although she’s never accessed. If I can get access, I’ll install a few Blink or Ring cameras. Not sure how that might work? Any which way, my mother’s house won’t be occupied for quite some time.

A big thank you for all moral support.

[Auntie Helen]

Just to let you know, when my mother was in hospital, albeit in England, when the doctor phoned us up to ask us about her views on life support etc, he said that we would not be the ones to make the decision. The doctors themselves make the decision of which measures to use to keep the person alive but they take advice from the family in that matter. He said it specifically more than once, we were not choosing whether my mother lived or died. We told him that she would not have wanted to be on a ventilator as far as we knew, and it turned out she wasn’t put on one and died a few hours later with my sister there. I really think the fact the doctor said this was massively helpful to us both as we did not have to make this really difficult decision ourselves. I hope they do something similar in Germany.

All the best to you.

[Franklan]

A big thank you for all moral support.

You're welcome! Any news?

[Emkay]

A big thank you for all moral support.

You're welcome! Any news?

Thank you for asking Franklan. My mother passed away peacefully. I asked the hospital to arrange last rites.They phoned me a few hours later to say the priest will soon be there and it’s time….the priest was very kind. I stayed with my mother for several hours after her life support was switched off apart from pain medication. She did manage to open her eyes to see me.

@pappnase posted a nice link above somewhere about being present at death. I remembered that during that time. It seemed quite fitting that my mother and I were together in the same hospital for my birth, and I was with her, holding her hand, for her passing….

[Fraufruit]

Arms around you, Emkay, as you continue to process everything.

I'm happy you were with her at the end. I hope that helps bring some closure for you.

Let us know if you need anything.

Kisses

[Emkay]

Arms around you, Emkay, as you continue to process everything.

I'm happy you were with her at the end. I hope that helps bring some closure for you.

Let us know if you need anything.

Kisses

Thanks so much Fraufruit. I may well appreciate moral support with the next several months of processing emotional and a lot of practical stuff. Everything has been quite overwhelming so far. Funeral next week….

[snowingagain]

Hugs from here too. I got back just in time and I think my mother knew I was there.

[pappnase]

Great big hugs from me too. Glad the article helped a bit, it's not much, but every crumb helps at times like these.