What to do when a parent is in critical condition in hospital…

[Emkay]

My mother and I have been somewhat estranged for some years…long story. We did recently chat and she seemed fine.

I’ve just had a call from a man whom I don’t know personally, who found her incapacitated in her house. She had given him a key 2 weeks earlier….just in case of anything. I used to have a key until she recently had to replace her door. He said that the hospital had called me several times since my mother’s hospital admittance on Tuesday. I’ve had no missed calls or messages.

I called the hospital, my mother is in critical condition in an induced coma. Pneumonia and sepsis.

Apart from emotional upset, what practical steps do I need to take? I’m her only next of kin.

I should be able to get my mother’s house key tomorrow though I’ve no idea who else has a key?

I don’t recall the terminology, though I have access to her bank accounts online. I don’t know if anymore than one person can have access?

Any advice on sensible things that I need to do would be very much appreciated.

[Franklan]

I called the hospital, my mother is in critical condition in an induced coma. Pneumonia and sepsis.

Are we talking "abroad"? As in "far away from your current location", as in "another country"?

I mean, if you would give more details about your current location and about the location of your relative, people *might* have a better chance to be helpful...

Anyway, my fingers are crossed...

[Emkay]

My mother is in a hospital nearby. The doctor I spoke to said I couldn’t visit her as she’s in an induced coma.

[PandaMunich]

Are we talking "abroad"? As in "far away from your current location", as in "another country"?

Nope, both in Germany.
If I remember correctly, it's Emkay's dad who lives in the UK.

My mother is in a hospital nearby. The doctor I spoke to said I couldn’t visit her as she’s in an induced coma.

Even people in a coma can profit from being visited, I suggest you send the doctor this article: https://www.rbb-online.de/rbbpraxis/rbb ... -sein.html

Apart from emotional upset, what practical steps do I need to take? I’m her only next of kin.

I should be able to get my mother’s house key tomorrow though I’ve no idea who else has a key?

Any advice on sensible things that I need to do would be very much appreciated.

Once you get the key, I would go round and check that everything is in order, i.e. empty the letterbox and check that there are no unpaid bills amongst the mail, check that there're no dirty dishes mouldering in the sink, check that the washing machine is empty and water the plants.

Does your mother have pets?
If yes, find out who is taking care of them.

I don’t recall the terminology, though I have access to her bank accounts online. I don’t know if anymore than one person can have access?

You have a Kontovollmacht?
Yes, more than one person can have it.

[Emkay]

My mother is in a hospital nearby. The doctor I spoke to said I couldn’t visit her as she’s in an induced coma.
I’m now not sure if the hospital will release any personal items to me, including house keys. I don’t have an easy way prove our mother/daughter relationship.

[Emkay]

My mother and I have been somewhat estranged for some years…long story. We did recently chat and she seemed fine.

I’ve just had a call from a man whom I don’t know personally, who found her incapacitated in her house. She had given him a key 2 weeks earlier….just in case of anything. He is my mum’s general handyman. I used to have a key until she recently had to replace her door. He said that the hospital had called me several times since my mother’s hospital admittance on Tuesday. I’ve had no missed calls or messages.

I called the hospital, my mother is in critical condition in an induced coma. Pneumonia and sepsis.

Apart from emotional upset, what practical steps do I need to take? I’m her only next of kin.

I should be able to get my mother’s house key tomorrow though I’ve no idea who else has a key?

I don’t recall the terminology, though I have access to her bank accounts online. I don’t know if anymore than one person can have access?

Any advice on sensible things that I need to do would be very much appreciated.

(some housekeeping done by EditorL)

[Elljay]

Just to say that I'm so sorry for you. And I don't understand they said you couldn't visit her. Of course you can!

[Robinson100]

I think, from a purely emotional point of view, you need to go and visit her.

On the practical side of things, yes, get hold of a key, check the post for bills, etc, assuming they are not all on automatic pay or whatever it´s called.
I wonder if the neighbours might have a key? or who is the chappy who called you? Surely he could let you into the house?

Also check the fridge for anything going off in there - can happen quicker than one might think!

If you need to prove that you are the daughter, surely you have a marriage certificate or even a birth certificate where both of your names are stated?

My thoughts are with you, Em.

Lots of cyber hugs!!!

[Sannerl]

I’ve just had a call from a man whom I don’t know personally, who found her incapacitated in her house. She had given him a key 2 weeks earlier….just in case of anything. I used to have a key until she recently had to replace her door. He said that the hospital had called me several times since my mother’s hospital admittance on Tuesday. I’ve had no missed calls or messages.

Apart from emotional upset, what practical steps do I need to take? I’m her only next of kin.

I should be able to get my mother’s house key tomorrow though I’ve no idea who else has a key?

I don’t recall the terminology, though I have access to her bank accounts online. I don’t know if anymore than one person can have access?

Any advice on sensible things that I need to do would be very much appreciated.

Have you verified which number they had called?

Without Patientenverfügung that will be difficult. Vormundschaftsgericht would be my best guess.

Change the locks asap. Leave a note for the man who called you explaining why. Suggest to meet in a cafe nearby, bring the old lock - the right person will have the fitting key.

Ask the bank and watch any transactions like a hawk.

((((((((HUGS)))))))) I do know how hard that is...

[Sannerl]

Just to say that I'm so sorry for you. And I don't understand they said you couldn't visit her. Of course you can!

With flu and covid still being around I understand the hospital - as heartbreaking as it is.
But not explaining that shows very poor bedside manners.
Plus the telephone fail.

[Fraufruit]

Monster hugs to you as you navigate this whole situation.

[Emkay]

Many thanks for all your advice and kindness.

I was allowed to see my mother briefly this morning, though the nurses couldn’t tell me anything. I’ve no words to describe how shocking it was to see her in her condition. I was able to take her possessions including her house key. At her house, I just emptied the fridge of expired food, checked every floor, cleaned a bit though it was very tidy.

As I don’t know who she has given keys to, the only items I removed were her purse that contained no cash though her KK card and bank cards. She had notes all over with her PIN number. Also, an insurance letter that needs imminent payment.

Since then, I spoke to a doctor. From an emotional point, it feels awful to be told, quite directly, that they have been told that I’m a bad uncaring daughter. Prior to my mother’s coma, she told the medical staff this as did her home help chap who found her incapacitated at home. I don’t even know this man though I’m grateful for his care. I could only say to the doctor that I couldn’t possibly explain my family history. I won’t go into the history. Suffice to say that I shared a lot of details on the former TT over many years. Therapy too helped me to make the difficult though life changing decision to have absolutely minimal contact with my mother. I couldn’t quite get to the recommended zero contact point.

So, based on me being labelled a bad and uncaring daughter, the doctor said that they will engage gesetzliche Betreuung to decide on future care for my mother, as they have already determined that she can never live alone again. I’m not sure yet what this actually entails. If anyone can share and experience or advice on this, I’d be very grateful. Many thanks again.

[Fraufruit]

Himself retained the services of gesetzliche Betreuung when his estranged brother who he hadn't seen in 30+ years had brain cancer and needed care. The police found their father and let us know that he was sick. It was a lady who visited him, paid all of his bills and took care of everything until he died. Was a lifesaver for us but still a tough decision to make. It cost a bit but I don't think very much.

Someone will come along with more info, I'm sure.

I hope you told them that there are 2 sides to the story your mother told.

[Franklan]

Since then, I spoke to a doctor. From an emotional point, it feels awful to be told, quite directly, that they have been told that I’m a bad uncaring daughter.

When one makes a plan that includes other people, it is not sufficient that one likes that plan. There are people who do not understand this fundamental rule of life and expect other people to dance to their tune. And those people who have the "audacity" to not dance to their tune get called "malicious and uncaring".

Take care of your own mental health in these tough times.

[PandaMunich]

It was a lady who visited him, paid all of his bills and took care of everything until he died. Was a lifesave for us but still a tough decision to make.
It cost a bit but I don't think very much.

Have a look at the monthly cost table in chapter 4 of this article: https://www-betanet-de.translate.goog/r ... r_pto=wapp

[Emkay]

Many thanks again. My mother isn’t improving. The coma inducing drugs have been stopped though she’s not waking other than occasionally opening her eyes. The doctors now think she may have had a stroke though can’t confirm until an MRI in 1-2 weeks. They also think that she will never have the mental capacity to be able to make her own decisions.

I’ve an awful vision of visiting her, she wakes up and goes mad that I’m there. I’ve asked the doctors that if/when she wakes more, they ask her if she wants me to visit. When I spoke to her a few days before hospital admission,, she was abusive. I must remind her too much of my father and whatever happened between them.

I’m having a bit of a panic. Overthinking probably though I’ve absolutely no experience of anything like this. I had always had a house key for my mother’s house. Not very long ago, she told me that she had to replace her very old front door and wanted me to have a new key. We never got round to that. Having fetched her belongings from hospital, I used her key to check her house. Her house means everything to her and she often mentioned what I’d need to check, just in case. I just cleaned up, emptied her fridge etc. I also took her handbag containing only her purse. I thought I may need her KK card and her bank cards for safekeeping. She had her PIN number on postit notes in several places. The doctor noted in her records what I have of hers and that I will return everything including her washed clothing as and when she wants me to. Even if she doesn’t want to see me, I can hand to the medical staff.

I’ve only just fathomed that her front door wasn’t replaced after all, just the lock. I’m sure that wasn’t done to prevent my entry given that she had wanted me to have a new key.

Given the differences between us, am I even entitled to enter her house let alone do anything like change the locks? As far as I know, only the man who found her has a key that she had recently given to him ‘just in case’. God forbid, I get accused of illegal entry or stealing anything.

Depite our history, my mother did give me vollmacht for her bank account. I rang her bank and asked if there’s anything I need to do. They just said that they can cancel her cards if I can’t find them. They also confirmed that no one else has vollmacht and that there have been no withdrawals since she was hospitalised. Of course I haven’t done anything with her accounts.

Do I need some kind of legal authority or do I automatically have the right to deal with her house and finance matters? Even if the doctors say I can’t deal with any medical etc matters given what they have been told by my mother prior to her coma, and her home helper whom I’ve never met? I’m an only child and she has long been estranged from her brothers. Apologies for the long ramble.

[Emkay]

I’m having a bit of a panic. Overthinking probably though I’ve absolutely no experience of anything like this. I had always had a house key for my mother’s house. Not very long ago, she told me that she had to replace her very old front door and wanted me to have a new key. We never got round to that. Having fetched her belongings from hospital, I used her key to check her house. Her house means everything to her and she often mentioned what I’d need to check, just in case. I just cleaned up, emptied her fridge etc. I also took her handbag containing only her purse. I thought I may need her KK card and her bank cards for safekeeping. She had her PIN number on postit notes in several places. The doctor noted in her records what I have of hers and that I will return everything including her washed clothing as and when she wants me to. Even if she doesn’t want to see me, I can hand to the medical staff.

I’ve only just fathomed that her front door wasn’t replaced after all, just the lock. I’m sure that wasn’t done to prevent my entry given that she had wanted me to have a new key.

Given the differences between us, am I even entitled to enter her house let alone do anything like change the locks? As far as I know, only the man who found her has a key that she had recently given to him ‘just in case’. God forbid, I get accused of illegal entry or stealing anything.

Depite our history, my mother did give me vollmacht for her bank account. I rang her bank and asked if there’s anything I need to do. They just said that they can cancel her cards if I can’t find them. They also confirmed that no one else has vollmacht and that there have been no withdrawals since she was hospitalised. Of course I haven’t done anything with her accounts.

Do I need some kind of legal authority or do I automatically have the right to deal with her house and finance matters? Even if the doctors say I can’t deal with any medical etc matters given what they have been told by my mother prior to her coma, and her home helper whom I’ve never met? I’m an only child and she has long been estranged from her brothers. Apologies for the long ramble.

(some housekeeping done by EditorL)

[Emkay]

Apologies, no idea why my posts keep duplicating. Can’t seem to delete?

[editorL]

Apologies, no idea why my posts keep duplicating. Can’t seem to delete?

If you want to edit an existing posting, use the "pencil" symbol on the top right of that posting.

If you want to quote an existing posting, use the "quotation mark" symbol on the top right of that posting.

As a matter of fact, editing only works when it is your posting. Quoting only makes sense when it is not your posting.

[Emkay]

Apologies, no idea why my posts keep duplicating. Can’t seem to delete?

If you want to edit an existing posting, use the "pencil" symbol on the top right of that posting.

If you want to quote an existing posting, use the "quotation mark" symbol on the top right of that posting.

As a matter of fact, editing only works when it is your posting. Quoting only makes sense when it is not your posting.

Thank you for explaining and for clearing the mess I made of it all